This feels very personal. Don’t read it.

breathe in, breathe out.

Open your eyes.

Reboot.

Did it work? Well, for the first two days I thought so, since from the moment I stepped out of the plane (after sleepingthrough the entire flight, I don’t even remember takeoff) and breathed the warm air that felt like home, I stopped thinking of absolutely everything. I just shut down my mind and relaxed, took in the sea and the air and the heat and the food and my family and my cats and my home and the peace and it felt wonderful.

But somehow, it didn’t last. After those first two days, bit by bit, I began to get sucked back into being this hot mess that I feel I am right now. And I do not know why this is happening, I really don’t know. But somehow I cannot fully relax anymore, cannot get myself to lose all that piled up tension I seem to be carrying around, cannot enjoy or appreciate fully everything I have here. 

Last year, I also got back from Germany a mess (I don’t know what it is with summers there, somehow they are wonderfully exciting and terribly wearing out at the same time). And again, being back in Crete somehow, slowly, made it all go away. This time, it seems like I just can not let go completely. It feels more like I have taken a – very healthy, pleasant – step back from all that was weighing down on me. But it has not gone away, not really. It is there, lurking in the background, waiting. And once I get back, it will all jump right back at me again.

I have said before that my life seems to repeat itself in a sublte, very weird way. Of course, nothing is truly the same, and everything seems to go down much faster. I do not do well with this accelerated tempo. I do not do well with speed in general. Maybe that’s what it is. Everything just whizzes by and is over before I have time to react,  leaving my behind doing what I always do even though I know it does me no good: overthinking instead of thinking over.

I know this all sound very complaintive. And honestly, I am still not sure if I really want to publish it, since it is so negative, when all around I see nothing but pretty, inspired, cheerful, summery blogposts. Also, it has by no means been a bad summer or anything, I am having quite a good time actually. But this is what is going through my mind right now and hopefully it will not as much anymore after I got it out on here. I had actually written another quite long post a few weeks ago, but something went wrong with the draft-saving and I lost it all. Maybe I will try to reconstruct parts of it over the next days. I have exactly 13 days to go and even though I still have a lot not only on my mind but also on my to-do list, I will try to go by the never-too-late way of thinking and do my best to lose some of that tension and let go all the stupid stuff I shouldn’t be stuck with in the first place.

This was a very diary-like post. I haven’t written anything in ages again, I was going through a massive creative block. But whenever I did think about writing something (and believe me, I have, I just never managed to find the right way to put it down), it was more and more going back to this. Let’s see if it sticks.

=^.^= Koneko.

what caught my eye today: it was actually a while back when I was in Athens; like you could ever find the PERFECT blue hair here… It really was perfect, a wonderful, shimmering in the sun, probably freshly dyed in the best shade imaginable ponytail of blue ♥

Well that is the weirdest thing I ever wrote.

Τι αν μιλούσαμε μόνο με ερωτήσεις? Θα τα καταφέρναμε? Θα καταλήγαμε κάπου? Θα παίρναμε ποτέ απαντήσεις?

Τι θα έλεγα? Τι θα έκανα? Τι θα ήθελα να πω ή να κάνω? Τι σημαίνει το ότι δεν ξέρω πια την απάντηση? (αλήθεια, πιστεύεις πως την ήξερα και ποτέ?) Και τι να τις κάνω τώρα τις άδειες εμμονές, τα τσαλακωμένα απωθημένα?

Μου αρέσει αυτό με τις ερωτήσεις? Πώς μπορώ να πω ότι δεν ξέρω τώρα, και να έχει πάλι ερωτηματικό στο τέλος?

Το ξέρεις αυτό που ξεχυλίζεις από πράγματα να πεις, να γράψεις? Και τα γράφεις? Ούτε εσυ? Γιατί δε βγαίνουν όμως? Πού είναι οι λέξεις, τα όμορφα περιτυλίγματα για άμορφες, άσχημες σκέψεις και ιδέες?

Καταλαβαίνεις? Ούτε εσύ?

Αν ναι, μπορείς να μου πείς κι εμένα? Τι θέλω να πω? Πως μπορώ?

Μου αρέσει αυτό με τις ερωτήσεις? Γιατί αρχίζω να πιστεύω πως ένας κόσμος χωρίς ναι και όχι δεν θα είχε διάρκεια?

=^.^= Koneko.

what caught my eye today: η φράντζα ενός φίλου μου που είχε βραχεί στον χθεσινό κατακλισμό. Δεν ξέρω γιατί την πρόσεξα, έτσι βρεγμένη που ήταν. Ίσως επειδή κάνει την ίδια χαζή μπούκλα με τη δικιά μου…

Do you bathe in cinnamon

Excuse me. I apologize.                                                                   

I like your attitude; I try it on for size.                                         

And spend the afternoon… between your thighs.                      

 

My mind is like a bicycle. It needs motion to work properly.  When I move I can think.

Some rain would be soothing.

My life seems to be moving in circles these days. Maybe it’s this place, or maybe it is me. Everything that’s going on now, I’ve been through last year. Of course, nothing is exactly the way it was before. It is like writing a new story, using the same key words. It almost scares me a little. Almost. I don’t like knowing what’s coming. It messes things up eventually.

The rain is soothing. Droplets evaporate on my burning skin.

I don’t really know what I want to be. But I know what I don’t want to be – Predictable. I’m already such a mess.

and one day it will show.                    

Breathe in, breathe out. Tense shoulders, tense abs. Dirt seeps through the holes in my shoes.

The same shoes I wore last year. It’s part of the pattern. Requisites of my life.

I’m all out of hair ties. You took the last.

=^.^= Koneko.

what caught my eye today: There is this stretch of wildflowers I walk by literally everyday. And I look at them. really look at them, every single day. That does not happen with a lot of things I walk by. But something about those flowers strikes me.

Life in a nutshell:

First you have a breakdown in the library of a random town,

then the girl at the coffeeshop gives you chocolates with your cake.

Ups and Downs, simple as the A B C :)

DSC07477

=^.^= Koneko.

What caught my eye today: I saw my high school crush again today. He still looks good and he still has his girlfriend. It’s like nothing changed in almost 5 years. (Does that count as an eye catcher?)

 

PS. This was actually written a while back, but I just found it in my drafts and still liked it so I thought, I’d share it. The eyecatcher is new though.

PS2. As you MIGHT have noticed, I’ve been absent for a while (again), in which while a lot of stuff has happened. And I will write about it, a little delayed and probably in the most random and confusing of orders. Just because.

Wiiiiiii

Καλημέρα.

Βασικά ήρθα να πω ότι δεν έχω κανενός είδους συναισθήματα για τη σημερινή γιορτή. Παρόλα αυτά ήρθα εδώ για να γράψω για αυτή κι έτσι να αναγνωρίσω την ύπαρξη της, ακόμη και με τον αδιάφορο αυτό  τρόπο. Αλλά άμα το ίντερνετ γεμίζει με σχετικές ειδόποιήσεις από δυο βδομάδες πριν, είναι και λίγο χαζό να κάνεις λες και δεν ξέρεις τίποτα και το να αγνοήσεις το θέμα εντελώς αποτελεί εξίσου αναγνώριση της ύπαρξής του με το να πας να αγοράσεις 300 τριανάτφυλλα. Ωραίο αυτό που ήρθα να γράψω μια πρόταση και κετέληξα σε μια παράγραφο. Πηγαίνοντας γράφω, δε σκέφτηκα τίποτα από αυτά πιο πριν. 

Αυτό που σκέφτηκα, αφού σκέφτηκα πως δεν έχω να πω κάτι για τη σημερινή μέρα (όντας μια από αυτές που θα πεθάνουν μόνες για να τις φάνε οι 72 γάτες τους – που βρέθηκε αυτό, είναι τελείως άσχετο με το θέμα! Νομίζω το είπα απλά επειδή μου αρέσει σαν φράση. Αν μπορούσα θα είχα και τώρα 72 γάτες. Που να μην με έτρωγαν στον ύπνο μου όμως. Που είχα μείνει?)

Αυτό που σκέφτηκα λοιπόν είναι ότι το Βαλεντίνος είναι πολύ γκέι όνομα. Είναι.
Ίσως θα έπρεπε να είναι η γιορτή των γκέι ερωτευμένων. Νομίζω θα το καθιερώσω έτσι, μαρέσει καλύτερα. Έτσι το όλο πράγμα δε μοιάζει πια με δημιούργημα της σοκολατο- και καρτοβιομηχανίας, αλλά είναι μια μέρα που ένας άντρας μπορεί να πάει να αγοράρει σοκολάτες και κάρτες και λουλούδια για έναν άλλον άντρα (προφανώς ισχύει και για γυναίκες αυτό).

Και να που έχω τελικά κάτι να πω για τη σημερινή μέρα ενώ ξεκίνησα τη μέρα μου με σκοπό απλά να την προσπεράσω γιατί τα Σάββατα είναι πιο ωραία ούτως ή άλλως.

=^.^= Koneko.

ΥΓ: το Βαλεντίνος μπορεί να είναι γκέι και παλιομοδίτικο όνομα (το παλιομοδίτκο το πρόσθεσα τώρα. Ισχύει.), αλλά το Βαλεντίνα είναι πολύ όμορφο. Θα ονομάσω έτσι την επόμενη γάτα μου. Και θα την κάνω δώρο στον Κολλητό.

ΥΓ 2: τζιζ, τι έχω πάθει σήμερα, είναι σαν να μου βάλανε ορό καφεΐνης όσο κοιμόμουν. Ας καθαρίσω το σπίτι όσο κρατάει, γειάααααα

what caught my eye today: ένα πολύ έξυπνο δέντρο. Δεν ήξερε και κβαντική φυσική βέβαια, αλλά κατάφερε να φυτρώσει έτσι ώστε ένα μέρος του κορμού του να στηρίζει ένα άλλο κλαδί το οποίο αλλιώς θα έπεφτε. Και φαίνεται και πολύ όμορφη η όλη κατασκευή. Βραβείο Νόμπελ αυτοσυντήρισης!

ΥΓ3: δεν έχει καμία σχέση με τίποτα, αλλά ΠΟΣΟ σπαστικό να σου μιλάνε άσχετες κυριούλες στο σούπερ μάρκετ ή στο τρένο να σου παραπονεθούνε για οποιαδήποτε μαλακία κι εσύ συμφωνείς με ένα ευγενικό χαμόγελο και πας να βρεις τις ντομάτες αλλά αυτές απλά συνεχίζουνε. Να πάρουν καναρίνι γαμώτο να του τα λένε. Ή παπαγάλο. Να τους απαντάει κιόλας.

Call it chicken salad.

(I always hear stoned dance)
So I was bored in class (once again, and always in the same class I might add) some days ago, so I took to browsing my blog, which led me to a small section on Alex Demented’s blog: the Koneko section. When Alex first introduced me to blogging, I was very intrigued, but not completely sure if I could/wanted to do it  too. So he kindly put a few posts of mine up on his blog.

Reading these now, about 2 years after starting my own blog, made me smile. I liked what I was writing then, the opinions I had and the way I actually adressed my readers – now my posts have become more personal, more about me, and less informing you about how my day was and what I had for lunch. As you might have noticed ;) 

Even though I still see some things the same way, like my theory that many people look the same and somewhat robotic in all of their pictures, or the way I feel about travelling, there are even more things that have changed in the last two years. Starting with the least important, Harry Potter. When I read the books again this summer, I was a little disappointed. Maybe it was because it was the umpteenth time, or for another unknown reason, but the story was not as impresive and breathtaking as I remembered. Now I almost prefer the movies, because even though a lot has been left out or altered, there are other scenes that seem much better in film than on the page (for example, in the very first book/movie, the scene with the flying keys is much more impressive when the keyw are attacking; it also makes way more sense  that in the movie there is only one broom – but anyway, I’m not here to write a complete analysis of movie vs book).

Then, of course, there is the whole Germersheim topic. Back in 2011, when I came here for a one-month summer course, I was so psyched about everything that apparently I didn’t even realize in what a tiny and boring place I had landed. A fact that became apparent to me about a month into first semester, and in the one year I’ve studied here now, it might have even gotten worse. Back then I was so thrilled about meeting nice people and naive enough to think I would keep in touch and stay best friends with all of them – well, it didn’t happen (except for one girl, whom I’ve actually become good friends with and whom I visit about once a year in whatever corner of Europe she is at the time). Admittedly, I still have this little hope/daydream when I meet people I really like and want to get to know better, and still it rarely happens. Well.

Another thing is university itself, back then I said it was nothing like school, but in my  3 semesters I’ve come to realize that they are more alike than you’d think or want them to be. Apart from the classes being longer, there are a lot of similarities, starting with presence being mandatory and ending with the fact that some profs actually treat us like school children, in the way they communicate with us as well as in their way of teaching. Maybe I was so mistaken because in 2011, the course was focusing on translation and interpreting, which is the fun and interesting part of my subject, rather than things like linguistics and other boring stuff. 

As for being independent and living on my own, I still enjoy that like hell, though I always like to skype with my family and look forward to going home and enjoy some good and healthy food instead of mensa food and pasta, chicken and salad served in various but not unlimited combinations.

All in all, almost nothing is the way it was two years ago. Back then I had only just met Μυρτώ, now I can barely imagine not talking to her everyday. I had no idea about so many things on which I now have a more or less firm opinion on (don’t worry, now there are plenty other things I have no clue about, it just never ends I guess). And many of the more or less firm opinions I had then have changed completely. I’ve met people and fallen out of touch with others, learned life lessons and made experiences, blablabla you’ve heard it before. To sum it up, it’s basically what my best friend said when I sent him my old posts to read: “I feel that you’ve grown since then”.

Wow, this is kind of the longest post I’ve written in about a year. And I’ll make it still a little longer by telling you real quick what’s been happening more recently. Uhm, let’s see:

I’ve gotte drunk a lot, met loeads of new people from all over the globe, been to Dublin, Berlin, Amsterdam and Brussels, started learning chinese, managed to eat a whole meal with chopsticks, completed a 2000piece puzzle in 2 weeks, been to a Placebo concert FINALLY, decided I absolutely want to go to New Zealand and Australia, jumped in a pool at night with strangers wearing olny underwear. And whatnot.

=^.^= Koneko.

on my way home there was this cat and i said hi to her and she answered and then I pet her and talked to her and she enjoyed it so much and then a dog came and scared her and I went to buy apples.

=^.^= Koneko.

what caught my eye today: I looked down from my balcony this morning and saw a banana peel – lying on TOP af a cigarette automat.

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