This feels very personal. Don’t read it.

breathe in, breathe out.

Open your eyes.

Reboot.

Did it work? Well, for the first two days I thought so, since from the moment I stepped out of the plane (after sleepingthrough the entire flight, I don’t even remember takeoff) and breathed the warm air that felt like home, I stopped thinking of absolutely everything. I just shut down my mind and relaxed, took in the sea and the air and the heat and the food and my family and my cats and my home and the peace and it felt wonderful.

But somehow, it didn’t last. After those first two days, bit by bit, I began to get sucked back into being this hot mess that I feel I am right now. And I do not know why this is happening, I really don’t know. But somehow I cannot fully relax anymore, cannot get myself to lose all that piled up tension I seem to be carrying around, cannot enjoy or appreciate fully everything I have here. 

Last year, I also got back from Germany a mess (I don’t know what it is with summers there, somehow they are wonderfully exciting and terribly wearing out at the same time). And again, being back in Crete somehow, slowly, made it all go away. This time, it seems like I just can not let go completely. It feels more like I have taken a – very healthy, pleasant – step back from all that was weighing down on me. But it has not gone away, not really. It is there, lurking in the background, waiting. And once I get back, it will all jump right back at me again.

I have said before that my life seems to repeat itself in a sublte, very weird way. Of course, nothing is truly the same, and everything seems to go down much faster. I do not do well with this accelerated tempo. I do not do well with speed in general. Maybe that’s what it is. Everything just whizzes by and is over before I have time to react,  leaving my behind doing what I always do even though I know it does me no good: overthinking instead of thinking over.

I know this all sound very complaintive. And honestly, I am still not sure if I really want to publish it, since it is so negative, when all around I see nothing but pretty, inspired, cheerful, summery blogposts. Also, it has by no means been a bad summer or anything, I am having quite a good time actually. But this is what is going through my mind right now and hopefully it will not as much anymore after I got it out on here. I had actually written another quite long post a few weeks ago, but something went wrong with the draft-saving and I lost it all. Maybe I will try to reconstruct parts of it over the next days. I have exactly 13 days to go and even though I still have a lot not only on my mind but also on my to-do list, I will try to go by the never-too-late way of thinking and do my best to lose some of that tension and let go all the stupid stuff I shouldn’t be stuck with in the first place.

This was a very diary-like post. I haven’t written anything in ages again, I was going through a massive creative block. But whenever I did think about writing something (and believe me, I have, I just never managed to find the right way to put it down), it was more and more going back to this. Let’s see if it sticks.

=^.^= Koneko.

what caught my eye today: it was actually a while back when I was in Athens; like you could ever find the PERFECT blue hair here… It really was perfect, a wonderful, shimmering in the sun, probably freshly dyed in the best shade imaginable ponytail of blue ♥

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